i am sitting in the kitchen at maeghans house, when it hits me.

CRANBERRIES LYRICS

"Ridiculous Thoughts"

Twister, oh, does anyone see through you?
You're a twister, oh, an animal.
But you're so happy, now. I didn't go along with you,
So happy now, na na na na.

But you're gonna have to hold on. You're gonna have to hold on,
You're gonna have to hold on, hold on, hold on.

Or we're gonna have to move on, We're gonna have to move on,
Or we're gonna have to move on, move on, move on.

I feel alright and I cried so hard, The ridiculous thoughts, oh.
I feel alright, alright, alright, alright.

Twister, oh, I shouldn't have trusted in you.
Twister, oh, a na na na. It's not gonna happen, no.
You're not gonna make fun of me,
Happen now, na na na na.

But you're gonna have to hold on. You're gonna have to hold on,
You're gonna have to hold on, hold on, hold on.

Or we're gonna have to move on, We're gonna have to move on,
Or we're gonna have to move on, move on, move on.

I feel alright and I cried so hard, The ridiculous thoughts, oh.
I feel alright, alright, alright... Ah, I should have lied,
But I cried so hard, The ridiculous thoughts, ah.
I should have lied, have lied, have lied, have lied.
But you're gonna have to hold on.

You're gonna have to hold on, [X 7]
Well, you're gonna have to hold on. You're gonna have to hold on,
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold.
Well, you're gonna have to hold on,
You're gonna have to hold on,
To me...







how i love the cranberries. i grew up listening to them, and i had the cd "no need to argue" until early 6th grade, when my mother and i lost it. i have missed them, and since my WNMIX is not working, i havn't been able t listen to them. so maeghan started to download it, and i came across this song. it made me feel like all of this is total bull shit. i am sick of being attacked every time i state my opinion. and apparently, i blow up with no warning and no one can tell what will make me mad.

so, i am sick of it. i told issy, and aimee what was going on, and it was if a war went off. now i am sick and tired of feeling like i a m not good enough for krome, and i am sick of feeling like i have disgusted aimee, but i can't help but miss them. yeah, i get mad and i still am, but i do miss them.

shit happens. i get mad, people dont tell others what is going on, and shit gets started. nothing to be stopped. it's just that we all contribute to it, and we look for people to blame, so that our conscience is free. I do it too, but i do admit to some of it. not to say that no one else does.




I was reading alot of myspaces with maeghan and all of this came on to me. people being mad at other people, because of how they act, and not because of what they do. it is mind boggiling. we all do it. not our "group" (even though that is long gone), but rather, all of the people in the U.S.. we all do it, and we all look for a way ut, whether or not that means we bring somone down.

so iam finnished. i'm not going to deal with the bull shit anymore. I'll be your friend, but one the shit starts to happen, i'm out. and i know that makes me a bad friend, but i think it is time that you all deal with your own shit without me. you say you are old enough to handle yourslef AND make your own dessions....well, prove it. I have. your turn.

it seems to me that i am alone. No one get's why i get upset, no one knows why i am the way i am (not like i expect them to, but still....i wish they could know) and no onw can ever understand why i buld finces a mile high, and a half a mile deep around my heart. I fince myself in, just so i do not get hurt, but i get lonely, and all i want is for someone to go under the fince, or knock it down or something.

I am to ME. to hard headed to be me to people. I cry at random times because things reminde me. all things reminde me. Lost love, bad pain, and the loss of other things. So lost....all alone.

and i do it to myself. I don't want a pitty remark from people. I want them to try to understand me. Study me, put me undera microsope. No, don't do that. I sqwirm, but i swear, being alone in my world is like being in an insane assilem for months at a time. I put myslef on the druggs. I strap my arms down. I don't allow visitors, becuase the fear of someone being hurt, wether it be me or someone else. It's the protection of one insane to another.

afraid of being physical for the mear purpose of being physical. I hate it.

Dead nerve cells, lost for ever, becuase of the druggs I have been giving myslef. I am in a simi-lusid existance. My mind is fried, while I am in reality, clean. I have been for to long. I need heavy stuff. I need so much shit that it would fry an egg. I need to OD, just to see how much of me is acctually here. See how much of my shit is real, and see how much is actually gone. Am i here, or am I a fragment of my imagination.

sometimes i wonder if i am a personality, of someone with mpd (multipul personalits disorder). How can someone tell? I guess i am me, but who is me? I don't know. Perhaps me is someone that doesn't exist. maybe i am in my mind, and i just really am that fucked. all i know, is that i am going down the shitter, and my personalitys are going with me

all systems go

im listening to all sorts of music, and the aquabats come on with super rad, and i think of the first time i got really involved with most everyone last year. It was sabrina's birthday party that was being held at the Krome's house (at this time she was still with brad) and everyone was there, that is, everyone exceppt for Krome, when I got there. Maeghan and I still didn't know each other, I didn't hae franklin, I didn't really know many people, and I was having a blast. Now, I am here, at maeghans house, having just as much fun with just her, and there is only her and me. We are doing nothing, but waiting for her parents and then we will leave. we wll be going to her grandparents house. I am going to go, but i wanted to put in the fact that even though, I am making all of my friends mad at me i still manage to keep some that will love me no matter what I do. I am who I am. I don't change for trends, and i don't change for people. I am who I am, and i love that.

Now the gorillaz are playing in the back ground, and i feel just the same as i always have. strong in a hard time. myself, and nothing more.