So I am hated.....what now?

I used to think that it was a sattement to have people hate you. It meant that you were an outcast, and unwanted. I used to believe that that was who I was. It was the best path for me to take.

So I did. I tried everything I could to make people hate me. Now, I'm here in Arizona, trying to figure out why it seems I only have Thomas, Maeghan, Sabrina, Emmanuel and Grant on my side. It's like they wanted to hop that fince and be hated as well. Well, now we are on that side of the fince, trying to figure out how to go back, to the days that we were over there, and loved.

Now, maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe I am not hated, but I do not feel loved. So what do I do? I hate back. I hate back until I just hate.

I am just one big fucking ball of hatred. It spins around screaming "WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. BITCHES!!!!". now that isn't who I am. That's not who I want to be. I have never wanted this. I was a child that felt ugly, because she had ugleness let onto her.

I gathered this concept of being hated when I was seven. If I was hated, I couldn't be hurt by the people who were close to me, but somewhere in this wonderful plan, something happend, that I didn't expect. I came across feelings and friendship, so you know what I did? I got mad. It wasn't in the plan, it needed to go.

So now I am feeling like i am just turning the whole fucking world against me, and you know what, I did it to myself.

I am making myself hate. I am making myself lose friends, and I am the one that runs for the hills every time I get a new emotion.

I like Thomas. I like him a whole lot. I think that I could have something going for me, and this time I really am not afraid. I am ready to stop hating and I am ready to give up this stupid plan, becuase it doesn't work. I am not hated by everyone, so I am getting hurt.

Great fucking plan isn't it?









Now for something that I would like to point out in a not so nice way. And I do realize that I am just setting myself up for the plan again, but this does need to be said, and I think that this person has a right to know what I think.

Andrew, I am sorry for this. ok, so that day, you remember it. I was histarical and I needed a friend, becuase Zarayah was in the hosbital. Yeah, that day. I'll start from the begining.
-2:40ish PM. I am in play rehrsal trying to get through the day, and yes, see thomas. I'm out on stage when kayla comes in crying. She comes next to me and askes if I know Zarayah. I tell her "Yeah, she was my best friend". Kaylas face was one I didn't want to see. Kayla tells me that Zarayah was the one that fell down and was sent to the hosbital.

I shook it off in disbalieve, but it only took four minutes for it to get to me. I ran off stage and started crying my eyes out. I couldn't breath yet alone think. I just needed out. A place. I needed her. I needed to see that she was fine. I called steve and I called my mom, but I wasn't alowed to leave. Mrs. Donavan huges came in and started yelling at me, about crying and not helping.

Thomas came up, hugged me, held me, and told her to fuck off. he was what I needed at the point. Steve came and got me, and took me to bri's house. I wasn't allowed to be there, so I called you, hoping for a way out. I could not be alone, and you were a good friend that I trusted. I went to you. You didn't really support me, but then again, how could you have known?

Bt what I do not respect is the fact that you sent that email. That was a very insincative thing to do, and i am really hurt that you would do that the night that my friend is sent to the hosbital. Now I am sorry that it did not work out between us, but I did not deserve that, and that is the real reason why I am not happy with you

Arizona, here I am

Yeah. I am in Arizona. I am currently suffering from sun burn on parts of my arms and my face. It kinda stings, but not so much as it does at home.

there is a little girl here. Her name is Madiline and she is six. she is my second cousin and she thinks i am the best thing since sliced bread. I think i have to go now, cause i am trying to get sleeping arangements worked out. you see, she wants to sleep with me....again. but i'll live.

Yeah, and i deffinatly miss you all. trust me, fun gifts for you all. naked pictures of movie starts. ahh, how i love this place.

eryn

p.s. there is a two hour time difference, so if it's seven here it is nine at home. yeah

Arizona here I come

I'm leaving on wednesday for arizona. I get to see my aunt jewel, who i miss very much and all of my other family. It's going to be a house of women, and that was just how i was raised. I wasn't taught to love men, and to bend over backwards to get their attention. I was taught to be a woman and an individual.

It just so happens, that i learned how to deal with men on the way to being me. I am going to miss everyone when i go, but i'm happy to be leaving. This place (arizona) is where i belong. I wish that i could bring thomas, maeghan and sabrian (sorry to the others, but these people need to see me) so that they could meet me. not see the drama and how it affects me.

Just me.


But I've been home all day thinking about this. I packed my suit case, did my home work for tomorow and waited for it to be wednesday. I'm still waiting for wednesday, and now i'm waiting for my food to come home to me. Yummy crab cakes and cessar salad from the burbon biestro.

I'll see you all in school, and i'll miss you all, but i am going to come back a differnt person. I am going to come back as me, without drama and without stress. so, see you all next tuesday, if not before.


and someone has to tell me if i miss the first snow