the loss of meaningful meanings

I see things.....horrid things. My thoughts, and dreams bring them to me, and I can not excape them. Images of death, and pain haunt me in my sleep, and I can no longer go there for comfort.

I want to have one of those great oppifanies to make me better. To see what it is that my visions mean, and why it is me that has to see them. Why is it always me that sees the shitty things? And like anyone really cares. Yeah, they care, and they would miss me if these thoughts, these dreams, were to dirve me to the nut house......again.

But would they truly miss me? would they miss me, because i am a wonderful person who is tormented by things, thoughts from my past (and possibly my futer), that i shouldn't be tormented with. Or would they just feel bad and say that they missed me, becuase they want a clear consiouse.





and yes things annoy me. Get over it. I stated my opinion, and i fucking love that thing about myself. Not to sound consided, but really. I am just asking questions to get to the truth, but then again, when are we never?

And I can admit when i was wrong, and i can also admit when i did something wrong. for the most part, i do, unless it is something that i really really don't want to talk about, but hey, that's just me.

so, i don't know. tormented dreams, a loss of friends, a horrible father, and a shit ass person might all tie in together, but i don't know.

old habbits

old habbits from the past ar bound to come back. i mess it up, becuase i am afraid, and then when i mess it up, i get depressed. I fall into a never ending cycle. I cut becuase i am sad, and i am sad becuse i cut, and then i think about why i was orriginally sad, and i get suicidle.

And i know that things have to be different this time. he won't let me fuck it up. i know that. it's just the fear of me doing it, and regretting it every momment of every day..

so my old habbits, are still old habbits. I'm just oping for some new ones