it seems to me that i am alone. No one get's why i get upset, no one knows why i am the way i am (not like i expect them to, but still....i wish they could know) and no onw can ever understand why i buld finces a mile high, and a half a mile deep around my heart. I fince myself in, just so i do not get hurt, but i get lonely, and all i want is for someone to go under the fince, or knock it down or something.

I am to ME. to hard headed to be me to people. I cry at random times because things reminde me. all things reminde me. Lost love, bad pain, and the loss of other things. So lost....all alone.

and i do it to myself. I don't want a pitty remark from people. I want them to try to understand me. Study me, put me undera microsope. No, don't do that. I sqwirm, but i swear, being alone in my world is like being in an insane assilem for months at a time. I put myslef on the druggs. I strap my arms down. I don't allow visitors, becuase the fear of someone being hurt, wether it be me or someone else. It's the protection of one insane to another.

afraid of being physical for the mear purpose of being physical. I hate it.

Dead nerve cells, lost for ever, becuase of the druggs I have been giving myslef. I am in a simi-lusid existance. My mind is fried, while I am in reality, clean. I have been for to long. I need heavy stuff. I need so much shit that it would fry an egg. I need to OD, just to see how much of me is acctually here. See how much of my shit is real, and see how much is actually gone. Am i here, or am I a fragment of my imagination.

sometimes i wonder if i am a personality, of someone with mpd (multipul personalits disorder). How can someone tell? I guess i am me, but who is me? I don't know. Perhaps me is someone that doesn't exist. maybe i am in my mind, and i just really am that fucked. all i know, is that i am going down the shitter, and my personalitys are going with me