I just imagined your death. No one was around to tell me what had happened, no one looked to tell me. I was just sitting there, wonering where everyone was, and why i couldn't get in touch. Just sitting. Just breathing.

You weren't. You were spraweld out on the floor, with the knife in your hand and the notes on the rug. Notes to everyone but me. Each were individually marked and sealed. No one bothered to touch them. No one.

After an hour or so, someone called. I'm not sure who, becuase after the first two words, my mind when numb and everything was blurry. All I knew, was that they were wrong. They had to be. So, I got into the car and drove there. Drove to your house. The one that drove you crazy.

The ambulances were already gone, and everyone was at the hosbital. The house was empty. The pulse was gone in it.

I walk into the kitchen and see the blood. I guess the ambulences don't mess with that stuff. Looking around, I don't notice anything, until I look at the rug next to the pool of blood. There is something underneth it. Something purposfully put there.

I bend down and pick it up. The rug must have been messed with during all the excitement, otherwise I wouldn't have seen it at all.

It's a note. A note adressed to me. It reads:

"I'm sorry for this. I know I promised I wouldn't hurt myself this badly, but you know how I am. I was never truthful. Never have been, never will be.
If you have this note, I guess you are wondering why I hid yours. Do you want to know? Well, I want you to know me. well, I guess, WANTED, is the word to use. I was always hiding. Always. I never let anyone find me, and I always hoped that perhaps someone would look hard enough and find who i was. Kind of like you had to do for this note.
I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry that I had to leave so early in the game. It was unfair of me to do this to you, but it was something I had to do. Please understand.

I love you."

Wow. Nothing is going through my mind, other than, it was your half of the game and it was your call. So, I place the note in my pocket and go down to the hosbital where everyone else is. Hopefully they will understand their notes like i did.

coffee shop surprise

I stand outside of the door, looking in. Only seeing srtange faces, I wonder if it's not best to just run. Turn away, screeming for my mother, and the compfort she would bring. If only my legs would move.

I walk in with my dear friend at my side, and a room full of enimeys. Then, out of the darkness, he came. The one person that I came for. Him. I just stand around the counter waiting for some sevice, or eye contact, that I compleatly miss the line moving. The next thing I hear is "Can I help you?".

So I order my small mocha and sit down next to my friend. Ten minutes turns to thirty, and thirty turns to fourty five. Then after the long hour of sher intertanment, I get to see my Light givers girlfriend. Just sitting. My dear friend is off seeing the many other people that he knows, so I am all alone, with the light givers girlfriend.

She stares me down in a battle of whits, and I loose.

So, perhaps I shouldn't go to places where she is the queen and I am the weak.

plain sight

As I looked down, i saw the cut. The cut that was sworn never to return. The look of amazment was unoticed my all, but everyone felt the difference in the room. I knew they could. It was as if the room got cooler with my mood. I was in total shock and aww of how the cut was there.

After all the writings and after all the talks, there it was, in plain sight, and no one brought it into coversation. No one. Not even me, the one that took most offince to it. I just let it go. Just let it slide.

Just like my mood was sliding. I became easily agitated and angry. I was slipping and no one noticed. Humm, i wonder.........


Did they notice the cut that was so plainely in sight? Did they just not want to spoil the night, the mood, the atmosphere that was dead because of me.


I'm not sure. I am sure, however, that I am the only one to bring it up, and the only one to speek the truth about it.

shower madness

After a half an hour shower, i step out, and find myself in the mirror. I am naked, dripping wet, and unhappy. "Why am I unhappy," I find myself asking. "There's no reason. I've been happy, and with friends. There is no reason" is all I can think.

I stand, dripping naked, in front of the shower; my reflection in the mirror, for over two minutes, when I realize why it is, that I am unhappy.

It is my reflection. The face of a girl, a young woman, who does not even like to wake up and see herself. I realize at that moment that I am my biggest enimy, and that I am the horrible person that wakes up and brings myself down.

I have spent all of my life not being enough. Not enough to me. I am not thin enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough........for me.

I wrap up in the only towel on the rack, and dry off. No clean clothes. Damn.

I go down stairs, to the underleavel of the house, and get the nice clean, fresh clothes, out of the dank, dark, basement. I strip down right then and there, with the door to the upper floors wide open, and put on my new clothes.

The clothes that were clean, are once again filled with the self hatred that fills my veines. They are all filthy. I am filthy, even though i have spent the past half hour scrubbing myself of all the dirt in a day.

I walk upstairs and hear it. The caw of a bird; my bird.

And I realize, that I am good enough. I have, in less than a week, givin this animal, this living soul the next fourty years of my life, and that, is enough, even for me.

Life Lately

lately, life has been.....crazy. The title, Places to see people to do, is just how I feel. I feel like I have to see so much and I'm not able to. People to do is just a flirt thing, but I guess it could mean more. If only it ment more because it ment something to someone.

I don't mean to complain, it's just that, well, my life isn't filled with people wanting to fuck me left and right. There always seems to be that one girl that every one goes to because she is smart, hot, amazing, and she just has this way with her presence. And there's always that guy. The one that every one wants to know because he seems to know that he is great. Not in the arogant "I'm the best" sort of way, but in the, "I think it's amazing that people find me this interesting. I better go with it" sort of way.

And they always seem to find each other. They just get along, because it seems that they were ment to. I'm never gonna be one of those people. Ever. I'm always going to be the friend that never tells how she feels. Only watches.

Too afraid to be rejected by the wonderful people, in fear that all others will leave. Isn't that a shallow thought? Yes, it is.

And acctually, in todays society, it could be one girl and one girl, one boy and one boy or many more reminecense of that. I am bi-sexual and I am prowed of who I am. I won't change for anyone, and I won't change bacause of anyone. No one that i hang out with wants me to change who I am. And the only person who does want me to change, is my father.



But off of the hot subject in polotics. On to other things.


But what to talk about? Could I talk about how I am tired of being who I am? No no, i've already ruiend one blog with that sort of shit. Perhaos this one will be just my sort of rambling thing. Would that work? Perhaps; perhaps not.

I don't know what the perpose of this blog is, but I do know that it is good for me. so maybe I'll keep it.

-eryn