shower madness

After a half an hour shower, i step out, and find myself in the mirror. I am naked, dripping wet, and unhappy. "Why am I unhappy," I find myself asking. "There's no reason. I've been happy, and with friends. There is no reason" is all I can think.

I stand, dripping naked, in front of the shower; my reflection in the mirror, for over two minutes, when I realize why it is, that I am unhappy.

It is my reflection. The face of a girl, a young woman, who does not even like to wake up and see herself. I realize at that moment that I am my biggest enimy, and that I am the horrible person that wakes up and brings myself down.

I have spent all of my life not being enough. Not enough to me. I am not thin enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough........for me.

I wrap up in the only towel on the rack, and dry off. No clean clothes. Damn.

I go down stairs, to the underleavel of the house, and get the nice clean, fresh clothes, out of the dank, dark, basement. I strip down right then and there, with the door to the upper floors wide open, and put on my new clothes.

The clothes that were clean, are once again filled with the self hatred that fills my veines. They are all filthy. I am filthy, even though i have spent the past half hour scrubbing myself of all the dirt in a day.

I walk upstairs and hear it. The caw of a bird; my bird.

And I realize, that I am good enough. I have, in less than a week, givin this animal, this living soul the next fourty years of my life, and that, is enough, even for me.